Dear Diary - 25 September 2012

It’s funny how a woman stays and fights for a relationship to work, because she loves her man and sees something good in the relationship. Yet the only thing the man really sees in stupidity and lack of standards.  A man can, will and does anything to keep a woman around, even though he knows deep down that he doesn’t love or respect her. For what? But then again.....do I really want to know?

No woman should take blame for following their heart, staying and fighting for a relationship they believe in. A man makes you believe what he wants you to, in order to keep you around for what ever reason. But what we need to understand and realise is that, we are the ones who eventually make the decision to stay. We are the ones who allow the cycle of cheating, disrespect, lies and all that BS to carry on. Why???? Because of the stupid four letter word. Nope, not the L word but the F.E.A.R of losing your man.

I say it’s better to stay single with your standards than to stay in an abusive and toxic relationship. In some relationships it’s even just not worth it. If he really loves, respects and wants you, he will do anything to show you.

Dear Diary – 25 September 2012

It’s important to take action after apologising. Especially if the person you hurt meant or means anything to you. Set out the course of action you intend to take to either solve the problem or at least prevent it happening again in the future. In a relationship, if you don’t want to get back together with the person, then don’t and it’s ok. Don’t make promises you are not willing to keep. Don’t apologise if you are not going to mean it. Rather stay away from the person and let them deal and accept the past and move on.

We all make do make mistakes and none of us is perfect. I respect a person who says sorry no matter how hard or tough the situation is. It deepens the relationships, it sure demonstrates integrity, shows that you are person of character and most of all...... IT FREES YOU!

Dear Diary – 25 September 2012

Once someone does something hurtful towards you or something bad happens to me, my life changes in some way or another. Thinking about what if or what could have been doesn’t change anything. I am not strong enough to forgive as quickly as some people, especially if the person who has hurt me doesn’t apologize and mean it. It makes me think they don’t regret the pain they have put you through if they don’t acknowledge it and apologise.  I’m still learning.

"I AM SORRY" has become an easy way out to run away from troubles caused by our mistakes. It’s not as hard to say sorry as we make it out to b. That I understand. But a person should realize the true meaning of the word “sorry”.  A person should not apologise unless they mean it.  When a person apologizes, they need to be sincere, come right from my heart, realise the mistake, truly apologising and promise to try not to commit that mistake again. Accept having issued the magic words ‘I’m sorry’, accept responsibility.

Dear Diary – 25 September 2012

We always complain about how there are no good men out there. That is a lie. They are everywhere. Some of us are maybe just too young and don’t want to see it. We meet good guys who are willing to be real men and do things for us without them even taking a second to thing about it and with good intention. But what do we do with those men? Yes/.......we put them in the friend zone. Then what do we say when we get hurt? Yes.......there are no good guys out there. Such is life. Some things never change.

I am truly lucky to have this guy friend who has a good hearts, and treat women with care and respect. Hopefully with good intentions and without expecting sex in return. Good men are around and should be acknowledged, by us woman being good friends in return and not use their kindness against them. Not to say they don’t make mistakes, they do but are still good men at heart. I don’t know what I would have done had he not been with me on FridayJ

Dear Diary – 25 September 2012

I have yet to meet a 23 year old woman with as many problems as I do. So many that causes me not to sleep for months and months on end. Since these problems are not killing me and if they know what’s good for them, they will sure make me MUCH stronger. They are NOT needed. Why is it that when bad things happen, they have to come from all directions? Like really, you would swear I don’t have anything better to do with my life than solve them. I have a life to live you know.

The fact that my phone got jacked on Friday doesn’t help either. God please help the person who stole it. Please forgive him/her for I hope s/he didn’t know what they were doing. I’m trying so hard not to wish them any harm, but it’s hard. Please help me forgive him/her, accept that my phone is gone and move on. Please help me get through each day without failing. Thank you for all that I have. Amen.

If not now, then when?

It has been a long journey. It started back in my matric year. How I wish I knew then what I know now and that it would end up like this. But then again, I wouldn’t have had the great and unforgettable experiences I shared with him. It was perfect, the chemistry was so beautiful, we were very happy, I felt his love and I was in love with him. Then life happened and things changed. When that happens, it is very difficult to let go of the past because it was so amazing.

When bad things happen in life, we learn fro them and try not to repeat the same mistakes. If a person does the same thing over and over and over again, its no longer a mistake but a choice. The love and respect is no longer there. The sad thing then becomes me, holding on and hoping things will get better and he will love and respect me again. It is sad that I hope that we will grow, that we will learn, make it work and make “it” much bigger than it was. But that is my mistake.

If I still hold on and refuse to see what is blatantly shown to me, when am I going to? If I carry on being in denial and dream of us working out, when will I stop hurting? When will I fall in love again? When will I be in a happy? When will I see that he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t love me and doesn’t respect me?  When will I see it and move on?

What motivates me?

I am motivated my different things everyday. I am motivated by my super woman who is my mother, my daughter who gives me the reason to want to wake up each day, my daily struggles that will not let defeat me, money, the people I am surrounded with, the actions of people that make me want to do things for them or give them love, life in general and all the things that I resonate with. Depending on the stage of my life, circumstance or the goal I am working towards, the one motivation over powers the other.

When I think of the word motivation, it makes me think of the sacrifices I am willing to make for what ever it is that I want. What I am willing to do and how far I’m willing to go to reach my goal.

Dear Diary – 12 September 2012

 I had my day planned out from 14:00 until tonight. I was supposed to get to res and do my individual PR assignment. Then do the group research assignment when my group members get here. Instead I got go res and started doing my laundry. While waiting for that to get done, I decided to cook. Ok so now my clothes are in the washing machine and the food in on the stove. I shouldn’t even think of going to my friends’ room or else I won’t get anything done. It will be so hard for me to leave because of “umgosi”. Let me watch a series that I can keep pausing when ever I need to check up on my laundry and food, rather than do the assignment and lose my plot when I move away from my laptop. Gosh, I am the master of procrastination! But then again, I do work better when I’m under pressure. I will do my work!!

Dear Diary – 12 September 2012

I am a mother, daughter, sister, cousin, friend, aunt, student, colleague and a fucked up love life, if I can call it that. When I think of my family I smile and try not to let the family politics get to me. Just thinking of my daughter sure makes my heart smile and that shows on my face. Where do I even start with school? Flip, those lectures are just out to kill us. I guess one of the main reasons I stick it out is because I love and enjoy our choice of study (Public Relations Management). Just thinking of the load of work I need to do make me want to scream, but that doesn’t change that the assignments still need to be done.

I won’t even start with the non-existent love life or whatever it’s called. Thinking about it doesn’t make me happy at all. I wish it wasn’t even a factor in my life. It can be a dreadful thing to deal with at times.

Dear Diary - 12 September 2012

It sucks having to wake up after only two or three hours of sleep because of insomnia. It’s so hard for me to even articulate how I am feeling right now. My heart is beating like something bad is going to happen. Or maybe it’s because of the lack of sleep. I have a big problem of thinking a lot when it’s time for me to sleep. I’ve tried counting sheep, drinking warm milk, watching something to make me fall asleep. I’ve tried to imagine myself in a white room, even writing and none of them helped.

I love being productive, I think only because it keeps me away from personal thoughts. I’m sure my thoughts keep me up all night because I choose to ignore them during the day. My coffee prevents me from being a zombie during the day, maybe that is why I my days can’t start until I get my morning dose of caffeineJ

Dear Diary - 12 September 2012

So I’m supposed to have 100 blog posts by the end of October. Writing a “diary” everyday seems like the best and the fastest way for me to achieve that. I’m hoping that writing this diary will help me get a few things out of my chest, which I would rather not talk about to anyone. The last thing I need is a verbal response. This will be my new platform to vent. I don’t understand why we need to have 100 blog posts. Blogging is meant to be fun.

 

 

When you are told when to blog and what to blog about, for me, it defeats the purpose. I guess I don’t have a choice but to do what I have been told because my PR degree depends on it. The only posts I enjoy writing are the ones I write from my heart. Not the 46 topics we were given to write about.

I still don’t believe

Picked up early from school and straight into a meeting with daddy dearest, which is never a good thing. Nervous, scared and worried all mixed into one emotion. My mother is nowhere to be found, very odd considering she’s a stay at home mom.

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So my dad sits my brother and I down and says that my mother is in Cape Town, she received some bad news. The obvious thought is death but the death of her father, how wrong I was. He continues on to explain that my beloved aunt, my mother’s younger sister had been involved in an accident and she and her mother-in-law had passed away immediately. My heart sank. I immediately wanted to be in Cpt with my family. My head didn’t allow me to believe it till I had been to her house, ‘seeing is believing’ was my mantra for the entire week until her funeral. In fact come to think of it, I still don’t.

Bad Habits

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I’ve heard many theories on how to break them but frankly none of them have worked. As much as taking someone’s advice is usually the noble thing to do, in instances such as these it’s by far the worst thing I could do to myself.

They say one never really gets over an addiction; they merely replace it with another less destructive one. What does one do when you get told you’re a bad habit? Try to change that? Can you tell if you are someone’s bad habit or you’ve gotten so used to a way of living that it has now become the common practice in all or one of your relationships? I think it’s that 4 letter L-word which distorted things in such a way that we find it hard to be ‘normal’ if there is such a thing. The irony of it all though is that the bad habits have the ability to make us feel so good, now isn’t that something. Mother Nature has a twisted sense of humour if u ask me

Reading, the lack thereof

One thing I want to do when I’m older is to try bringing about a new of breed of people. People who ask questions and don’t just do for the sake of doing. In my various encounters with some peers, a lot of them say they don’t just do things because it’s cool or it’s the latest thing but only to find that they actually are. I find it’s sad that in many cases believe that ignorance is bliss, sometimes it is but for the most it isn’t. The best/worst most annoying quote which really gets under my skin is the one which states; the best way to hide something from a black person is to put it in a book.

Sadly there’s an element of truth to this statement, black people really don’t like reading. I’ve tried to get people I hang out with to start picking up a book or newspaper so that they can learn a little more but it seems like I talk to stone walls. It’s not easy breaking habits and, talking from experience, reading wasn’t something that was instilled in me growing up. There’s a host of knowledge at our disposal and society has made it alright to not want to know or not to ask questions. A change is needed. ASAP

There but never really there

Funny how I grew up, from the outside things seem like a happy household. The quintessential family made up of the husband and wife with two obedient and loving sons. The early stages were great, dad was present during those stages doing most of the things a dad should. Fast forward a few years and the story makes a complete 180^o turn. A person believes that as long as he’s paying the bills and your school fees that he’s being a dad and a father.

I was pretty young when he told me that he’s doing those therefore he’s being a father and I remember I was so furious because at my tender age I could tell the difference between a father and a dad. How could he not be able to distinguish between the two? It was uncanny. Anyway, I’m grown up now I can attest to the stereotype of a black man wanting recognition for things he’s supposed to do. Sad actually, no person in the world or asks to be brought into this world…we just find ourselves here at the discretion of our parents.

He thinks he’s been taken advantage of

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He really bugs me. Sometimes I ask myself why I stay in this house, expose myself to his over controlling nature. Then it hits me, lack of an income is crippling my movements and some of my progression. Granted, I absolutely hate seeing a man who was 100% able bodied being reduced to being 50% able bodied. It’s almost reduced me to tears in some instances simply because I hate seeing a person in distress or not being to fully function as a “normal” person would.

On the flip side of that… how does a person in need bite the hand that feeds him, repeatedly. It makes no sense to me, probably because I’m not in his situation but we can’t say that indefinitely now can we. You try to help a person and next you’re being told you taking advantage of the situation? I’m baffled to say the least. Maybe someday, when things are on the right track again I’ll get more insight from his perspective because right now it’s one sided. Highly subjective as much as I try to convince myself I’m being objective…only time will tell.

Another day, another opportunity

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Trying to make it in this world is proving very difficult. I don’t think anyone can actually quite prepare for the daily battles that we go through in order to be successful. In this short time that I have been trying to do me, I find myself learning more lessons than those I learnt in school or varsity. To be 100% honest, I can see why a person would chose to throw in the towel rather than to fight. Having to constantly prove yourself and sell your talents and achievements and skills every day is very off-putting. But then again this depends on who you… are your character.

That being said, every day brings about new challenges; new fights/battles to be won and lost because let’s face it, we don’t win every battle we fight as much as we might want to. Waking up in the morning gives you an opportunity to fight again, to re-strategize a game plan to help you conquer your enemies in this cruel world. There’s little point in dwelling on the previous day’s events besides taking only the valuable life lessons which you can never ever forget.

Every morning you wake up, it’s your opportunity to shine and showcase the beautiful, intelligent being that is you.

Loving the allure

Last night a friend of mine came to town, hadn’t seen him in ages so this was a wonderful surprise. In our random conversations about the city I told him vividly that the city can get addictive, once you experience the sweet life you going to want to keep coming back.

So last night I take him out, telling myself I want to give him an experience worth coming back for. A few drinks later he concedes saying that he’s moving here permanently, he has too keep getting his fix of this ‘sweet life’ he constantly hears about. All I told him, before we entered the party was to keep his mouth from dropping. Such behaviours immediately scream out “tourist” which, most times, isn’t that great of a thing.

On the drive home, he couldn’t stop talking about how he needs to move here. The aura and the allure have fully captured him. This obviously made me smile he’s only seen one nights pleasure so imagine the possibilities. A job well done.

Breathing but no living

 

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Some people seem to be under the impression that a person is alive when they’re breathing. There’s part truth top this fact but I believe otherwise. For some time now I’ve been breathing but not living, I’ve been there physically but that’s about where it starts and ends.

 
Living with my parents, I find myself seeking refuge in the corners of my bedroom or in front of my computer keeping myself busy with stupid things. I guess all of this is in an effort to avoid the elephant in the room but it’s one of those elephants that, no matter how much you try to deal with it, it just keeps growing. Maybe it’s me? Maybe it’s the “elephant”?  Who knows really, I most certainly don’t but I do know that someday it’ll be too little too late. For now, I’ll continue to seek refuge in front of my computer trying to figure out a way of not only breathing, but living too.